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| it seems to me that growing up (i.e. acquiring more thoughts, more things to think about, more ways to think about those things, etc.) is counter-productive to just being. thinking back, i was probably a pro at being in the moment when i was a kid, and somewhere along the way, the art of being gradually slipped away from my way of living and now i have to consciously try to do it. such an oxymoron: trying so hard to just be. i can't even seem to concentrate on brushing my teeth long enough to remember whether i have brushed my teeth yet or not. sometimes, halfway through my shower routine, i'd have to try to remember which part of me has been soaped already because my mind had completely left the moment to hash over yesterdays and tomorrows. it saddens me to see that my mom can't even sit down long enough to finish eating before running around to put the butter back in the fridge or turn off the stove fan or make a quick phone call. i haven't noticed all this running around, physically and mentally, in people all around me until i saw myself doing it more lately. now i have to (re)train myself to get in the zone/concentrate on the moment, especially when i practice. when it comes to efficient practicing, perhaps i've unfairly blamed growing up as the obstacle to being in the moment. i doubt i could have concentrated on listening to myself play an open string when i was a kid longer than i can now. it is the kind of concentration that one trains to incorporate into a habit. but a child's ability to do a task without thinking about all the background and foreground of it is something that i don't possess now and have to train myself to do. for auditions, i wish i could just go in there and play. afterall, that's what it is and simply should be. no layers of what-if's, pressure, physiological panic, or mind games to cloud the fundamentally straight-forward situation. that would be nice.
another thought: do auditions actually test someone's playing ability or more the person's ability to handle stressful situations?
today i realized that i may have been not being completely honest with myself about my playing ability. i kept focusing on how to get myself to play to my abilities at auditions, but i haven't been dealing with raising my general playing level up. well, that's not completely true--i hope i've always been working at making myself a better player! but i mean i've been blaming my unsatisfactory performances at auditions on my nerves when another big part of it is the need to really be disciplined about raising my practicing quality and thus playing level. maybe i need to focus back on buiding up my playing. i have been doing that, but more for the purpose of building consistentency in my playing than for improving my playing for the sake of just that. does that make sense? i've been too narrow in my goal/purpose?! can i blame that on studying with sibbi for 2 years? => | | |
| ya--hoooo! thanks to del for shooing me into the practice room!
hm, there seems to be an inherent paradox in my supposed focus in an audition situation: i need to be in the moment and in touch with my surroundings, yet i'm also suppose to not let my environment distract me, which means that i need to ignore what goes on around me. | | |
| ha, so much for finishing practice early on my birthday! oh, xanga... | | |
| oh, hilary, how i want to play like you. i'd be happy with just having some of your technique! technique is one strange thing. on the one hand, it seems so straightforward and, well, technical. if that's the case, then everyone should be able to have good technique provided that they studied with good teachers. then, on the other hand, if environment plays such an influential role in one's musical technique, then it's not fair that some musicians are struggling to catch up (in terms of their abilities) to their peers in the ridiculously fierce and erratic competition for jobs just because they did not have the right teacher in their childhood. also, i'm not sure that if every violinist had the exact same training as hilary hahn, for example, that they would all turn out to be the star soloist like her. probably not every one of felix galimir's (hilary's teacher and the last link to the violinist and composer ysaye whose violin sonatas are driving me wild with their beauty but also with their wicked difficulty!) students are soloists. in the cases of child prodigies, innate abilities play a role. but for the rest of us mortals, born with more or less similar amount of ablilities, how do some get so far ahead of others and seem to have a much easier time playing a certain instrument (given similar understanding of music, amount of practice time, and resources)? is there a formula for possessing good technique? or making it in the relentlessly random, luck-based, massive yet small world of music? if so, why doesn't every professional instrumentalist have a stable, full-time job already? i may have already answered my own question with the previous questions... | | |
| Wow--I play better when I have a fever and am all stuffed up! My mind feels clearer when I'm glassy-eyed and out of it. The irony. Perhaps there's not much fighting for my concentration, so when I pick up my violin, that's it. It's kind of discouraging that being not completely one's coherent self often helps one play better (e.g. having some alcohol beforehand, having a fever...). One's complete mindful self is often one's worst enemy, inputting interference such as pressure and self-doubt. | | |
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